A Beautiful Oak Tree

How often do we seek acceptance and love from others? 

We learned this as children – “Do as you’re told and you will get praise and love. Don’t do as you’re told and there will be negative consequences. ”  We learned to fear punishment and to seek approval. 

We have been conditioned to believe that 

we are not good enough just the way we are. 

We need to be better. 

There is no peace to be found in this way of thinking. 

As adults, the target of “being better” keeps moving and the rewards of our behavior are often uncertain or inadequate, failing to create the lasting feelings of joy and contentment that we crave. And so we become lost in the maze of life, searching for the answer to what we feel we are lacking: the right relationship, the right job, the right education, the right body shape, etc. All the while we are crying out with our actions and words, “Notice me! Value me! Love me!” 

And sometimes we obtain our goal and we are rewarded with love and approval and it feels sooo good. But this feeling is a trap! It keeps us hooked into a point-of-view that is all about pleasing other people rather than just feeling good expressing our unique selves. We never learned how to accept and love ourselves just as we are, without (or even with) external approval.

B e a u t i f u l   P e o p l e

I have spent much time admiring the amazing people around me. I’ve looked at others and wished that I could be so confident in myself. So often it seemed to me that other people were just better than me: 

• more capable
• more talented
• more accomplished 
• and, ultimately, surer of themselves than I ever felt. 

Despite all of the love that my parents gave me, 

my childhood prepared me to believe that I wasn’t good enough. 

I fell into the trap of punishing myself because I fell short of my conditioned expectation that I should always “be better” (whatever that might mean?!) When I compared myself to my vision of others and how I thought I should be, I felt inadequate. And I was certain that others could see this deficiency in me. I was left feeling afraid to share my imperfect self with others. I judged myself and I feared the judgment of others... a double-edged attack! 

Where was the love that my soul craved in order to thrive?

Thus I began a journey to grow and nurture myself... 

A journey back to “Me”. 

And like most journeys, it’s been a long and winding path, ultimately leading me to Quebec and one of the most valuable friendships of my life (je t’aime beaucoup, Pascal!) This friendship has helped me to see the beauty within me, and ultimately to trust it enough to let it shine!

As this New Year 2014 began, I paused to reflect upon the special moments and people that continue to fill me with joy, and to appreciate the abundance of love and support that is all around me. And quite suddenly, I began to see myself differently. In fact, I was struck with a very clear and powerful vision of myself that I want to share here as a way to value and remember it...

I saw myself standing in the woods being embraced in a strong, warm hug of friendship and feeling filled up with acceptance and love until suddenly I was no longer a fragile, uncertain girl, afraid to be myself. I was growing bigger and taller and stronger, up and up, higher and higher, like a giant oak tree, solid and true. And I was magnificent! 

And as I took in this new vision of me, I instinctively recognized the truth... that I was, in fact, already this beautiful tree: tall and strong, healthy and whole, capable and confident – standing proudly in the midst of my surroundings, serenely taking in the view. I saw that there was no need to struggle to "be better", to doubt myself or to wonder if I was OK as I am. I realized that I am a beautiful person and I need only to embrace this vision of me. For this is the truth of who I am. 

And I choose to embody this “Me” who is a strong Oak Tree, 

perfect just as I am.

Now that I see clearly the beauty in myself 
I feel a rich and profound sense of happiness,
 like knowing a marvelous secret.
 But it's a secret that I want to share! 
 And I am proud to say I am ready to let go of my fear and self-judgment and share my beautiful self with others!

Two months have gone by and I remain so grateful for this "vision moment" that caused me to tingle with energy and pure joy!

I still believe that I am a lovely, strong Oak Tree – exactly as I should be – but sometimes I don’t feel so strong and sure. It’s only natural. (I may be a beautiful Oak Tree in my mind but I’m only human! Lol!) Sometimes I find it hard to embody my confident Tree-self as I encounter life’s challenges, so instead I find shelter in my own branches. In other words, rather than always seeking support elsewhere, I’ve discovered that I’m able to provide myself with the love and acceptance that I need. I can put my faith in the strength and constancy of my sturdy Tree-self -- even when I’m feeling small and weak.  

My tree vision grounds me to the place where I want to be... 

at peace with myself and the world.

I am learning to doubt my doubting voice, to comfort my fearful voice, and to send myself as much appreciation and love as I send to those around me! I am learning to be gentle with myself. And when I see old stories threatening to wash away my new vision of peace and strength, I can choose not to be drowned. I can climb up into my tall Oak Tree and watch the wave of doubt and fear pass by me, leaving me intact and unharmed, and ready to take part in this amazing world again. 

I am here.

Thank you to my precious family and friends for your constancy in supporting me 
along my on-going journey. 

I love you all!