A Beautiful Oak Tree

How often do we seek acceptance and love from others? 

We learned this as children – “Do as you’re told and you will get praise and love. Don’t do as you’re told and there will be negative consequences. ”  We learned to fear punishment and to seek approval. 

We have been conditioned to believe that 

we are not good enough just the way we are. 

We need to be better. 

There is no peace to be found in this way of thinking. 

As adults, the target of “being better” keeps moving and the rewards of our behavior are often uncertain or inadequate, failing to create the lasting feelings of joy and contentment that we crave. And so we become lost in the maze of life, searching for the answer to what we feel we are lacking: the right relationship, the right job, the right education, the right body shape, etc. All the while we are crying out with our actions and words, “Notice me! Value me! Love me!” 

And sometimes we obtain our goal and we are rewarded with love and approval and it feels sooo good. But this feeling is a trap! It keeps us hooked into a point-of-view that is all about pleasing other people rather than just feeling good expressing our unique selves. We never learned how to accept and love ourselves just as we are, without (or even with) external approval.

B e a u t i f u l   P e o p l e

I have spent much time admiring the amazing people around me. I’ve looked at others and wished that I could be so confident in myself. So often it seemed to me that other people were just better than me: 

• more capable
• more talented
• more accomplished 
• and, ultimately, surer of themselves than I ever felt. 

Despite all of the love that my parents gave me, 

my childhood prepared me to believe that I wasn’t good enough. 

I fell into the trap of punishing myself because I fell short of my conditioned expectation that I should always “be better” (whatever that might mean?!) When I compared myself to my vision of others and how I thought I should be, I felt inadequate. And I was certain that others could see this deficiency in me. I was left feeling afraid to share my imperfect self with others. I judged myself and I feared the judgment of others... a double-edged attack! 

Where was the love that my soul craved in order to thrive?

Thus I began a journey to grow and nurture myself... 

A journey back to “Me”. 

And like most journeys, it’s been a long and winding path, ultimately leading me to Quebec and one of the most valuable friendships of my life (je t’aime beaucoup, Pascal!) This friendship has helped me to see the beauty within me, and ultimately to trust it enough to let it shine!

As this New Year 2014 began, I paused to reflect upon the special moments and people that continue to fill me with joy, and to appreciate the abundance of love and support that is all around me. And quite suddenly, I began to see myself differently. In fact, I was struck with a very clear and powerful vision of myself that I want to share here as a way to value and remember it...

I saw myself standing in the woods being embraced in a strong, warm hug of friendship and feeling filled up with acceptance and love until suddenly I was no longer a fragile, uncertain girl, afraid to be myself. I was growing bigger and taller and stronger, up and up, higher and higher, like a giant oak tree, solid and true. And I was magnificent! 

And as I took in this new vision of me, I instinctively recognized the truth... that I was, in fact, already this beautiful tree: tall and strong, healthy and whole, capable and confident – standing proudly in the midst of my surroundings, serenely taking in the view. I saw that there was no need to struggle to "be better", to doubt myself or to wonder if I was OK as I am. I realized that I am a beautiful person and I need only to embrace this vision of me. For this is the truth of who I am. 

And I choose to embody this “Me” who is a strong Oak Tree, 

perfect just as I am.

Now that I see clearly the beauty in myself 
I feel a rich and profound sense of happiness,
 like knowing a marvelous secret.
 But it's a secret that I want to share! 
 And I am proud to say I am ready to let go of my fear and self-judgment and share my beautiful self with others!

Two months have gone by and I remain so grateful for this "vision moment" that caused me to tingle with energy and pure joy!

I still believe that I am a lovely, strong Oak Tree – exactly as I should be – but sometimes I don’t feel so strong and sure. It’s only natural. (I may be a beautiful Oak Tree in my mind but I’m only human! Lol!) Sometimes I find it hard to embody my confident Tree-self as I encounter life’s challenges, so instead I find shelter in my own branches. In other words, rather than always seeking support elsewhere, I’ve discovered that I’m able to provide myself with the love and acceptance that I need. I can put my faith in the strength and constancy of my sturdy Tree-self -- even when I’m feeling small and weak.  

My tree vision grounds me to the place where I want to be... 

at peace with myself and the world.

I am learning to doubt my doubting voice, to comfort my fearful voice, and to send myself as much appreciation and love as I send to those around me! I am learning to be gentle with myself. And when I see old stories threatening to wash away my new vision of peace and strength, I can choose not to be drowned. I can climb up into my tall Oak Tree and watch the wave of doubt and fear pass by me, leaving me intact and unharmed, and ready to take part in this amazing world again. 

I am here.

Thank you to my precious family and friends for your constancy in supporting me 
along my on-going journey. 

I love you all!

  

The Pleasure of Sunshine

The sky is blue. The air is crisp. The sun warms my soul.

Spring has arrived in Québec!

 

And the sun makes me smile. It calls me outside. And when I’m unable to answer the call, I linger by the windows gazing up at the sky, drinking in the day. I've always been like this.

It’s a simple thing. But I delight in the simple things in life: sunshine, snowflakes, the wind in my face, laughter, music, good food, and lively conversations with friends. And all of these things I've found here in Québec. 

Do they exist elsewhere?
Certainly.
But I'm noticing them here, now.

 I'm paying attention to all the good that surrounds me.   

The other day, I was feeling worn-down. I had a cold that just wouldn’t let go. My thoughts started to drift to my “poor me” place... it’s a well-traveled path, particularly when I’m sick. I could feel myself sinking into this feeling when I decided to change my outlook. 

I shifted my view to something for which I felt grateful... the Sunshine.

 
I breathed in gratitude and filled myself up with warm sunshine. Amazing! I felt better! I could change the way I felt through the simple act of being grateful for something as simple as sunshine.

And that's when I cried for the Pleasure of Sunshine.

 

    “Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, 

 invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

And the sunshine is plentiful here, even as the snow still rests in piles and patches on the ground. It’s early Springtime. And as the temperature climbs above freezing in the day, the sap begins to flow in the maple trees. This can only mean one thing:   

Sirop d’érable!  

Did you know that you can hear maple water? 

At the end of March, I had the sublime pleasure of standing with my family in the snowy woods while listening to l’eau d’érable drip into the tin buckets attached to every maple tree – drip, drop, drip, plop. A watery symphony... Magical! Meanwhile, Charlotte ran from tree to tree peeking into every bucket! Such joy! As I said, it’s the simple things.

I feel connected to this place. When we returned from visiting Ottawa for their Winter Festival in February, I remember feeling a sense of homecoming upon seeing the highway sign, “Bienvenue au Québec”. And it’s not just because it’s where I’m living. Quebec has crept into my heart, along with some of its ways...

 Doing things the "Quebecois way" 

Be generous with words of appreciation: Many things here are described as beautiful (beau/belle): un bel homme (man), un beau rêve (dream), une belle expérience, and even a bien belle pass (in hockey!) Neil & I have been called charmants and adorables. And when you say "merci", a common reply is "ça me fait plaisir" (it makes me happy!)

Let your children experience freedom: We allow Charlotte to play outside our house where we can’t see her. She plays with our neighbor of about the same age, building forts in hidden corners, climbing over fences and roaming to the end of the block. Today she asked to walk a few blocks away with her friend; she’s testing her boundaries and ours. It's too soon to agree to this. She’s only 7. And I’m still a parent with instincts belonging to the “big city”. But I'm learning to let her grow up peu à peu.
 

Relax, "c'est pas grave" (it's no big deal): My teacher says that I’m too much of a perfectionist. She wants me to think less before speaking, and not worry so much about finding the right word or verb tense. Just talk, make mistakes. C'est pas grave! Maybe not, but it's challenging for me. However she assures me that it’s the only way I can advance to the next level in french conversation. Just take a deep breath and jump, Donalyn...

Being sensitive ("sensible") is good: Sensitivity is valued here. You are unlikely to hear the expression that someone is "too sensitive". In Québec, the Arts are emphasized and artists are often sensitive. They need to be this way in order to create, and expressing one's passion is an integral part of artistic creation. I believe that I have the "esprit d'une artiste" -- and this makes me smile.

Let life flow: Perhaps this is not so much a quebecois philosophy as it is my “thème du moment” which was inspired by the flowing water in the maple trees.  It is to this idea that I return when I’m feeling stuck or overwhelmed. There's no need to struggle. Life is beautiful. Laisse-toi flotter sur le courant de la Vie!

Et moi, je suis reconnaissante d'être ici, à ce moment-même, à cet endroit-ci, chez moi: au Québec. 

 

The Wonder of Snowflakes

 

As I sit by the window and watch the snowflakes fall, I am struck by the wonder of their ‘being’. At this moment, each snowflake is fluffy and light, slowly drifting towards the ground. Tiny. Random. Seemingly inconsequential. Seemingly lacking in force and impact.  

Ultimately,                                      

                resting lightly                           

and then                           

     disappearing        

                            on the ground.

But each snowflake does have a force, an impact. And that value is only seen with patience and time. As each delicate flake comes to rest, it adds its being into the greater picture – creating an astounding carpet of white. The power of each snowflake gathered together to effect a magnificent change on the world below. A beautiful rebirth.

This observation about the nature of snowflakes to effect a dramatic change in the world is surely nothing new. But it serves as a lovely image to represent the changes I am experiencing in my life here in Quebec. Each new step I take, each experience, each learning represents a snowflake; and all of these seemingly disconnected “flocons de neige” have been gently building up inside me, quietly, almost imperceptibly, changing my “internal landscape”. And now, when I shift my focus from the falling snowflakes around me to the ground below, I see that I am being “reborn”. 

What are some of these "snowflakes" in my life? 

My first was my decision to live as a Possibilitarian rather than an Anticipator...

In my past, I was tied to worrying about the consequences of each decision. I believed I gained power from trying to anticipate what might happen with every step I might take.  The result was that I took fewer and fewer steps. I huddled in place and attempted to protect myself against imagined disappointments and hurt. When I decided to come to Quebec on an impulse, I pushed aside the Anticipator who was holding me back and --

-- embraced the Possibilitarian in me  

who wants to live life to the fullest! 

I chose then, as I choose again each day, to be hopeful about the possibilities that the future holds, while accepting that I can’t know what lies ahead. This is perhaps the best thing I have done for myself. And it has been incredibly freeing!

I have been determined to push myself to “be different” here in Quebec, and for me that means trying new things. I have said “YES” where I might have previously said “no”. I have pushed my cautious nature aside and entered a mid-life  

"Stage of Experimentation” 

(nothing illegal, mind you.) 

So, what have I tried? Well, for the past 3.5 months I’ve been attending school full-time in a French-immersion environment (woa.) I’m learning the piano – and loving it (woohoo!) I’m reaching out to make new friends... speaking in French (bien sûr!) I’m creating my own blog (hooray!) And, most recently, I went skating for the first time in decades (gulp!) on Granby’s Lac Boivin. 

My main aim in all of this has been to take chances and be prepared to make mistakes. (An ambition, by the way, that runs against my nature.) But, after all, I remind myself, I’m an Anglo from the West in a wintery Francophone world, I'm bound to mess-up, even take a few embarrassing tumbles. But my desire to learn remains true. And I’ve been in equal measure surprised and delighted by the results!  

Yay, Me!!!

Much as I believe that I’m on the path to greater understanding in so many things, I also know that true learning takes time. I've dedicated years to developing old beliefs and behaviours; integrating new ones into my existing "internal landscape" may be desirable but that doesn't guarantee a smooth transition. And yet, 

I feel impatient to fully grasp all the lessons that are being presented to me, 
these precious "snowflakes" that are dancing all around me...

...French, piano, relationships with friends and family, and knowing me better! However, one of my lessons is also to be patient with myself and others, things will work out in time. Just breathe.

  RESPIRE.

And finally, I’m learning the value of being open to people, truly open...

I thought I had been open and true, but in fact I had built a “protective wall” around myself with the idea of limiting the hurt of judgment (real or perceived.) In reality, I was just keeping people out, isolating myself despite my desire for closeness. 

Here, in Quebec, I've experienced how full life can be when you open yourself up to others! Friends and strangers alike have opened their hearts to me and my family in countless acts of kindness, offering generosity, encouragement and care.  

The people of Granby have greatly enriched my life: 

 from my inspiring French teachers and classmates, 

to my supportive hairstylist and favourite restaurant staff, 

to my warm-hearted piano teacher who looks out for me in so many ways, 

to the amazing couple who invited us to their home for dinner simply because they appreciated our cross-cultural journey. 

And of course, our dear friends, Josée and Pascal, 

who treat us like family, including us in their lives without a moment's hesitation. 

I am so humbled by the power of human kindness.

 People are truly the richness of life!

So here I am. Right now, in this moment, watching the snowflakes fall, feeling them drifting down on me (though I’m inside as I write.) I feel stronger for my experiences. Grateful. I feel the “gathered-up power” that they have bestowed upon me. And, at the same time, I feel a calm in my heart enveloping me… like a lovely, gentle, blanket of snow.